Satirical observations or the upcoming safety guidelines of the new public transport provider

Welcome aboard the Earth-Bus. Greetings Captain Vejtaha, on behalf of TraktOrriva. As you can clearly see, we have nothing to do with the previous public transport provider in your city. The new logo of the company is significantly different and graphically more striking in the shape of a diamond. Unfortunately, due to a lost court case with the Renault car company, we were forced to add a comma in the middle.
We’ll be flying at 26km/hour, 50cm above the ground. You are aboard the most advanced technical solution of socialist engineers, which has been proving its reliability for 25 years! In addition, its technical condition is regularly checked by the National Technical Museum and its group of top restorers…
Please pay attention to the following safety and information message:
When driving, it is recommended to hold on to the handrails located at the top of the tube. In the event that you cannot reach them, we recommend that you hold on to the ones that do. Please take care not to hold on to those that are also out of reach.
If you have difficulty breathing, do not look for breathing apparatus anywhere on top, try to take a deep breath. In case you find it difficult to breathe because of a passenger standing next to you, it is better not to breathe at all.
Refreshments can be found in your own bags, if you didn’t bring anything, you are simply out of luck.
If you are looking for a beautiful stewardess, please be aware of the price of the ticket – you have to make do with the pilot.
And now a few words about the company providing your transportation:
Due to government regulations on the mandatory employment of people with disabilities, find out when you board which disability your pilot currently has. If he is blind, do not speak to him while driving, he is only oriented by hearing. If he suffers from coprolalia or Tourette’s syndrome, which is a compulsive and uncontrollable need to shout vulgar language, please cover your ears! However, if the pilot does not show any visible signs of disability and due to the dedication of our staff, we recommend talking to the pilot – this way you can be sure that he will not fall asleep during the ride.
Of course, our company is also environmentally friendly. We are committed to waste sorting. Our pilots have clear instructions to throw away papers at the Waterworks, cans in Sendražice and plastic in Veltruby. And to make sure we don’t just stay passive, we’ve also created our own game based on the popular geocaching game, we call it ticketcaching. Anyone who finds a boarding pass from our company lying around can bring it to the office, which is always open on Tuesdays and in April…and they’ll get a keychain in the shape of our logo as a reward!
We also contribute to the culture of our city. Just as Brussels has a famous fountain with a peeing boy, the final stops of our lines regularly feature a peeing pilot.
And now a few words about the places where our route will lead. The entire length of the route runs through the city of Cologne, which is truly historic, as you will eventually see for yourself in many places – there are excavations for archaeological purposes in almost every street. We would like to draw your attention, for example, to the early Gothic pipelines that are still in use here today and whose careful mapping is the reason for much of the excavation.
If you are intrigued by the ride, there is no problem in repeating it, following exactly the same trajectory – as you can see, we very cleverly leave a trail behind us so that you can also return safely and quietly along the same path. There is absolutely no truth to the unfair competition’s claim that it is leaking oil, diesel and Fridex.
We wish you a peaceful and undisturbed journey to your destinations…and as is our good corporate custom – in closing, please repeat after me = Our Father who art in heaven…